Another Great Dinner and Evening

I did a Prime Rib roast on my BBQ…..it was really good! I should have taken a picture…ah well.

It’s lots of work preparing everything but it was fun. I was pretty organized, which helps a lot. Of course I have a ton of leftovers so will have to figure out what do with them all….I see some good soup using those bones in my future!

Overall a great evening and my brother came to my WordPress dilemma…..the simple click of a button and I was back in business. Thank you Steve!

Today is packing day….for me. My daughter and I are going on a mini vacation, which I’m really looking forward too. Since we were both on holidays at the same time, we had bigger plans…..like a road trip down to Utah (Bryce Canyon and all that….) or something exciting BUT her little kitty cost her a lot of money last month and that put the brakes on that idea.

My sons friend is getting married over in Victoria this weekend. No kids allowed at the wedding…..hmmm. Mom to the rescue! The two oldest grandkids will stay with their other Grandpa but they are taking the baby with them. Linds and I will babysit on Saturday night (rehearsal dinner) and then Sunday day/night (wedding at noon, dinner at 5). We thought we’d head over a couple days earlier and do some sightseeing…..it’s been years since I’ve been over there and it’s a great place to go, lots to see and do.

http://www.tourismvictoria.com/

I’m taking my little iPad with me but not sure when I’ll get a chance to blog for the next couple of days.

We leave tomorrow morning. The ferry ride over is great since the route is through all the gulf islands….very scenic and with any luck at all we’ll get some free whale watching out of it too. The weather is supposed to be great, which is good. Our hotel is in central Victoria, so we’ll be able to do a lot of walking and touristy stuff. Some great museums and restaurants and of course the Empress Hotel http://www.fairmont.com/empress-victoria/hotelhistory/

Many, many years ago (35+) every year, Ken and I would go over to Victoria on Easter weekend. We usually went with our friend Brian and whoever his girlfriend was at that time. We’d have a great time….those were sporty car days. On a long weekend of course, before ferry reservations were possible, you’d wait forever in the ferry line ups so we’d play frizbee or throw footballs around at the side of the road with everyone else just hanging around. We never made hotel reservations back in those days and we’d just grab whatever we could when we finally made if over ….sometimes quite late and sometimes some pretty questionable hotels! But we’d have a great time…..we’d do all the touristy things over and over, have great dinners and then hit some of the night clubs and bars. Victoria used to be a pretty sleepy city, so your choices were pretty limited and also usually pretty crowded. At the end of the weekend, it was the same thing with the ferry line up to come home….more often than not, we’d catch the last ferry and not get home until well after midnight…….AND then go to work the next day!! Those were the days!

One year Ken I went over to the Island for our holidays in the summer. We spent a week touring all over the place and ended up in Victoria. It was our anniversary, 2nd or 3rd I think….we couldn’t afford to stay at the Empress Hotel, nor could we even afford to have dinner there, but we could afford to have a drink or two in the famous Bengal Lounge http://www.fairmont.com/empress-victoria/dining/thebengallounge/ What a treat that was. Maybe I’ll take Linds there for a drink!

We’ve been to Victoria with the kids too, but that was years ago, when they were quite young. There’s a super place called the Crystal Garden that was, at one time, a huge indoor swimming pool. It was converted to a garden and conservatory and now a convention centre. http://www.tanglewoodconservatories.com/heritage/crystal-garden.htm

So today will be spent packing up and cleaning up the kitty litter area so my neighbour, who so kindly volunteered to do the daily cat duties, won’t be totally disgusted when she gets here!

L.

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The Last of the Estate

All the necessary paperwork and financial stuff has been completed so today, I’m off to the bank to have the name changes etc. done. There was one small account that was just Ken’s…..his car account. He’d put his tax return money in there and occasionally a few extra bucks here and there. It was for his Mustang restoration and upkeep.

Rather than open a new estate account our bank lady suggested just using that for any bits of things that happened to come in, such as car insurance refunds when all the insurance was transferred to me and the $2500 from the Government for funeral expenses.

So as of 11:00 today I will be the sole person on our account. I’ll get new cheques, with just my name on them, all the statements will come with just my name….that is so depressing!!

Most of the bills still come in his name and I should probably get all those changed, but doing that is not on my list and really….will they care as long as they’re getting paid!!

I’m really lucky in so many ways since this was the only legal/paperwork stuff that was needed. All our other financial things were joint or we were each others beneficiaries so the transition to just me was simple. No probate, nothing. I can’t even imagine having major estate issues to deal with at time like this…..planning, as much as maybe no one wants to was a very good idea!

Dinner last night was great. We sorted out dates etc. What we’d need in the way of condos and who’s staying with who. So now it’s just when will be a good time to book all this. It’s not until April 2015 but since most of us are using points from one source or another for airfare, the soon the better, I guess.

Tonight is another dinner. I’m glad. I had a great time yesterday getting everything ready. I love cooking and all the prep and planning and it had been a long time since I’d done it. I loved going shopping for everything too….fun stuff at the markets like the tri-coloured carrots and the baby eggplants!

My BBQ was full last night and will be again tonight, so now I’m really glad I got the bigger one….I was hoping I’d get good use out it.

I have an abundance of plums….my neighbour had a bumper crop this year and gave me a bag full! So tonight, I am going to make dessert…..I don’t like to bake…just too finicky for me but I will give it ago. Lots of cherries out now too, so I’ll attempt an upside down plum and cherry tart. Hopefully it turns out! I have ice cream and cookies if all else fails.

I think tonight will call for a nice bottle of red wine. It’s kind of another new normal of now just ME! I need to try and find the positive side of these changes….although that is very difficult. Maybe celebrating them as getting over another step of this grieving journey….I don’t know if that makes sense but for each of those “changes” that need to happen, once you’ve done it, it’s done, it’s over…..time to move on to another step along the way. Getting over these steps is the hardest part but once they’re done it’s behind you like crossing one more thing of the list……

L.

More Crossed Off The List…

But it’s not getting any smaller…..

Honestly the more I cross off, the more stuff I come across to do! I am still avoiding the “stuff” though.

I’m still finding it so hard to stay focused on one thing….getting sidetracked is really easy. And more often than not, I’m leaving a bigger mess than what I started with!

The worst part of all this is that most of what I’ve done isn’t the stuff that I really need to do. Yesterday, I was putting my golf clubs away (from last Sunday!) and ended up cleaning out the storage area under the stairs! Who looks in there besides me?? I pulled out 3 more old suitcases that I will load up with the “stuff” and reorganized what was left in there, so now there’s lots of room (for more junk??). The suitcases though are now sitting in the middle of the TV room downstairs! Maybe that will give me some incentive to get going on that task.

I washed comforters and hung them outside…I love the smell, so will hopefully sleep good tonight. And I washed floors…and blinds. All these things should be just part of normal housekeeping but I really have to make the effort to do it. It would be so easy to just do nothing, but for me it’s much better to be busy doing things…..anything…that can keep my mind occupied.

I have finally gotten all the bags of pictures and other stuff cleaned out of my dining room….it just got moved into the spare room, but at least it’s not still sitting beside the table. Out of sight, out of mind….for now.

And while I was busy doing all this, a young guy comes by and wants to know if I need my windows cleaned! Yes, I did. So after a bit of dickering over the price I now have clean outside windows….so now I’ll have to get the inside of them done….one of these days….doing that wasn’t even on my list!

The things on the list that I seem to be avoiding is Ken’s “stuff” and all the paper work that has accumulated. Some I’ve managed to sort through, but have then just stuck it all back in the box it came out of, just in a bit better order….but I keep adding to it! I at least don’t have the piles sitting on the counter anymore.

As I go through my list of things to do, I am finding it absolutely incredible all the things that did not get done over the last few years…..I knew we’d let things go, but I really did lose track of time and when was the last time we or I did this or that….I just don’t know and it wasn’t important at all back then.

I’ve added outside things to the list too. How could I not have noticed all the grass and weeds growing in the driveway and along the edges? I’ll have to head to Home Depot (lucky them!!) to find out what I can use to get rid of that. And the moss…..when did that start to take over part of it….I’d say quite awhile ago by the look of it! The fence at the side of the house is falling down….I think it’s tree roots that have cracked, or whatever, the concrete that the posts were set into.

The list just grows and grows. I know it all won’t get done and one day I’ll try and prioritize all the stuff on it.

Ken’s brothers and their wives are coming for dinner tonight. We’re going to work out dates for our trip to Hawaii next April. I’m hoping that will only take a few minutes and then we can just sit and chat and have a good time for the rest of the evening. We’ve not all been together since Ken’s C of L so it will be good to catch up on everything. AND it will be good to have company for dinner again.

The weather is great again today, so BBQing is what we’ll be doing. I guess I will be the BBQer…..that was always Ken’s job way back when…..

I’m also having company tomorrow night for dinner too…..my brother and SIL and my good friends N & S.

These are good, easy groups of people to start with, I think, for getting back into doing some entertaining. I miss that so much and the only way it’s going to happen is by me making it happen!

My house is reasonably clean so I feel like I can do this again…..I just hope nobody opens the door to the spare room!! I might be ready to get my cleaning lady back too….maybe only every second week now. That also helps me to make sure everything gets put back in it’s right place, so I’m not running around like crazy and hour before she arrives putting everything away!

I’m glad I’m on holidays now……how things can change overnight!!

L.

WordPress Site Change….argh

It would appear that they made some sort of a system upgrade……..and it doesn’t like my laptop anymore!

 

I am on my iPad and having to do the “touch screen” thing…..that I am so not good at!  

 

I don’t like change.  I’m sure that’s a sign that I’m getting old and I’m al ready dealing with one major  change which is more than enough…..thank you!

 

Had fun with the grandkids last night.  They were really good but it really poops me out having all three of them.  It’s also really hard to give them all attention at the same time so I always feel that one of them is getting left out.  Luckily they don’t seem to mind or notice if I am.   Bev came over to have dinner with us…..they love Bev.  She is the most kind and patient person I know.

 

We took them to the park after and they ran around and played, even little Kallie (1 yr old) loved it.

 

I didn’t think too much about it at the time, but I did after……Ken should have been there!  I just want this so bad sometimes it almost hurts.  Maybe some of it is a little selfish…..he would keep them occupied while I was making dinner which made all this so much easier…..or not so much easier just more normal.  He would have cleaned up the dinner dishes while I played with the kids…..I know I could just leave the dishes, and I do now, but it was just that routine that we’d always had.   I miss that so much.

 

I’m glad I’m on holidays but it has also given me a lot of “thought time”, which I don’t think I like!

 

This has made me understand why one doesn’t make any rash or snap decisions for a year…..I’m not sure I could have handled retirement at the moment, so to keep working was definitely a good decision or “non-change”.  You really need your head to be in the right place to make major life changing decisions….or at least ones that you have control over.

 

I don’t know how long it will take to get into a “new normal” that I’m comfortable with, and I say comfortable because I don’t think I’ll ever be really “happy” happy with it.  Maybe content is a better word…..  It’s like any new change that you don’t have control over I guess…..eventually you get used to it…..you may never like it, but you DO just get used to it……..it all just takes time, just time……

 

L. 

ps too many typos to correct and double spaced paragraphs…ARGH I say to change!

Life is Just Different Now

It really is! I mean that is obvious, of course. But it’s so hard to pin point exactly how I feel.

Yesterday afternoon my daughter and I went to a neat place…..it’s sort of an apartment/condo complex with a little village in the centre. Lots of great little shops, restaurants, cafes and a couple of speciality type food stores. Really nice place to spend a sunny afternoon.

I had two choices for dinner last night…..off for pizza with the neighbours or out to my SILs for a BBQ and the football game. I went to my SILs.

For many, many years, we’d usually have dinner Friday nights with Ken’s brother and his wife. Sometimes it was to a restaurant, other times it was order in stuff or one or the other of us would cook….usually something pretty simple and quick to prep for a Friday night. Appy night was always my fav…..just pick and pick all evening. We hadn’t been doing that as often since last fall because Ken just wasn’t feeling too good at lot of time and of course eating had become such a problem for him.

More often than not, if there was a football game or hockey game on, after dinner my SIL and I would head off to the mall for an hour or so.

That’s what we did last night. Had dinner and left the “boys” to watch the game….except of course there was only one boy last night, the girls went shopping. In a way, it wasn’t any different than how it used to be, except I came home by myself…..

I had an invitation for dinner tonight too. But I’m babysitting the grandbabies, so can’t make that. The friends, 2 couples, are going to a BBQ cook off thing this afternoon and then back to R & G’s for dinner. I got invited to dinner…..which is great. I just think that if Ken were here and back in the good old days, we too, would have gone to the cook off thing AND then for dinner later. It’s not that I couldn’t have gone anyway, but it’s like the “couple” things seem so much more noticeable to me now. These are great long time friends, so I know the couple thing isn’t even an issue, but that’s almost how I’m thinking these days. It is definitely not them, it’s ME.

I know I shouldn’t be thinking that way, but I am. I hesitate to have friends over for dinner…..I know I shouldn’t be doing that either. They would come I know, but would it be too awkward? I know all these people really well and have for years and years and I really know it wouldn’t be awkward, so I’m just not sure why I am thinking this way. Maybe this all just takes time to adjust too.

I don’t have a lot of single friends, nor do I necessarily only want to spend time with singles either…..but it’s just such a strange feeling. I want to spend time and socialize with everyone, just like I used too. It’s almost like not belonging……that 3rd or 5th person thing. I don’t know where I fit in anymore……I just can’t describe it.

I’m not sad or depressed about this, just confused! I guess time will help get this sorted out…..

L.

A Start to the Stairs….and those D**n Drs!

BIL and I managed to find pretty well the exact same hardwood that I have on the floors. Hooray for that part.

Finding the bullnose bits for the edges of the stairs was a bit tougher. We took a few of the floor pieces in to the place that has the prefinished products, but they have them cray-o-vac sealed in “clear” plastic, which isn’t very clear at all, so it was hard to find a close match. We called it a day after that…..the hardwood needs to sit in my house to “acclimatize” for at least 10 days, so we’ve got some time.

I headed out after to do some grocery shopping…..hungry, which was a mistake. I now have cookies and Pringles chips laying around…which I don’t really need but they are kind of comfort food, right?

It was also a mistake not to know I was going to have for dinner…..I knew I had leftovers in my fridge, so really needed to use those up. I did think I might just hit a drive thru, but then I seen crab cakes, which were incredibly expensive, but that gave me an idea of what to have.

I had my roasted beet and goat cheese salad with a couple of quick an easy to make crab cakes!

Salad with a nice white balsamic vinegrette...yummy!

Salad with a nice white balsamic vinegrette…yummy!

It was really good along with a nice glass of rose!

After dinner the plan was to do a bit more of his “stuff”, but I didn’t. I read for a while, checked emails etc. and that was it.

I went to bed too early…..big mistake because then I was awake at 4:30AM this morning. I don’t know whether I dreamt about it or what but I woke up thinking about Ken’s Drs and “their” plans, or NON-plans, I guess. Not the best thing to wake up too! I tossed and turned and could not stop myself from thinking about it….and of course I then started to get angry again. Their arrogance and some of the comments they made….just kept going around and around in my head. I hate that!! There is nothing that I can do now….absolutely nothing! When will these thoughts stop? I really hadn’t thought too much about it for a week or so, but at 4:30 this morning it was awful….I almost made myself sick! It’s done, or not done…it’s over with…I need to get over it too. Of course I ended up having to get up, which annoyed me even more. I did go back to bed and read for a while and somehow managed to fall back to sleep.

My head was in a much better place when I woke up later and since it was almost 8, it was kind of like a nice sleep in. The sun is trying to shine this morning, but it’s not quite warm enough to sit out on the deck and have my coffee. So today I will once again have a go at the “stuff”. I will try and stay focused on it but it’s so easy to get distracted by just about anything else…..I tell myself that it will get done eventually and a little bit here and there is better than not doing any of it……..

My daughter and I have plans for this afternoon, depending on the weather so I hope it gets nicer as the morning wears on…..we’re heading into the city to do some “touristy” stuff, which will be fun.

L.

Got a Bit Done….

Which is just fine…..it’s a start! I’ve had a lot of starts doing the “stuff” thing, but that’s OK. It will take time.

Lots of tears welling up doing this….remembering things, good memories and some sad ones…..things he’d never even had a chance to wear!! Brand new jeans with the tags and label thingies still on them!! I really hope someone appreciates all this stuff….I’m sure they will.

I didn’t go out at all yesterday….I think that is probably the first time in months that I’ve not left the house all day. The weather was horrible, so definitely not motivated to do anything outside. Days like that can be productive for me but I have to make sure all the blinds are open and there are lots of light on. Brightness helps.

I packed one more old suitcase full of “stuff”……then unpacked a few things. I pulled out those t-shirts. There are still many more and like Vicki suggested I might just think about doing a quilt….or getting someone to do a quilt. That’s a really good idea. It would be good to have to snuggle under while watching TV or reading….and it’s kind of a map of our lives of what we did, where we’d been together.

My daughter came over in the afternoon and we did a “Modern Family” marathon. I love that show….it makes me laugh a lot! I think we’ve finished season 2 now. We’ve done a couple of marathon TV show/movie days and nights and they’re lots of fun. We threw together an impromptu dinner of whatever I had hanging around….it was really good!

a paella or jumbalya of sorts.....

a paella or jumbalya of sorts…..

Today, I’m off with BIL again to get the hardwood for the stair project. I’m up for this! I can nail and glue, he will do the cutting. It’s not all going to happen today of course, but getting the materials is a start. I’m kind of excited about doing this but……

Accomplished Very Little….

Well, at least yesterday. It did not go as planned….oh well! But I guess that’s not a bad thing really.

I didn’t touch a thing in the closet, nor did I do much of anything else. I am justifying this because I AM on vacation, right?

I did start out very motivated in the morning….at least in my head. It was just so nice out I thought I’d sit outside and read for a while…..and then a while longer.

By the time I finally decided to get going it was time to get ready to go to Bev’s for dinner!

Oh well…..there is always today and tomorrow and whenever to do this.

It’s rather formidable…..

adjective: formidable
synonyms: intimidating, forbidding, daunting, disturbing, alarming, frightening, disquieting, brooding, awesome, fearsome, ominous, foreboding, sinister, menacing, threatening, dangerous onerous, arduous, taxing, difficult, hard, heavy, laborious, burdensome, strenuous, back-breaking, uphill, Herculean, monumental, colossal;
demanding, tough, challenging, exacting;
formal exigent;
archaic toilsome
“a formidable task”

Any of those synonyms are applicable……I especially think daunting, disquieting and colossal are good descriptors of this formidable task at hand!

Absolutely "daunting"....monumental, colossal, Herculean, taxing etc. etc. etc.....

Absolutely “daunting”….monumental, colossal, Herculean, taxing etc. etc. etc…..

This doesn’t include all the jackets that are in the closet or the shoes on the rack downstairs…..definitely a daunting task. I really don’t feel like I can do it all….I just don’t. Where to start is my biggest challenge and one I face every time I open the closet doors.

I thought the first things should be the stuff that he hasn’t worn for years and all the things that were just too big for him….I have already done some of those. And the jammie pants and shirts……he was cremated in his most comfy ones….so all the rest can go for sure. But then I start looking through his t-shirts….he had lots. He loved buying shirts from wherever we went and his sports team ones and his car ones….I hate to get rid of those…..maybe I can just keep some of them tucked at the back of one of the drawers. His tux….hadn’t worn it for a long time, but he looked soooooo good in it. And what would someone that shops at thrift stores need a tux for?? Maybe I’ll just keep it…..

It’s a miserable day today….chilly and raining so this is a good indoor job to work on. I don’t know how long I’ll work at it, but even a little bit is better than none…..I guess.

And, I could really use some of the extra closet space. My closet has a lovely organizer in it, but my drawers were overflowing and I had resorted to having those bin things that you keep under the bed for “seasonal” clothes, which I’d switch in/out of the drawers come winter or summer. I really wouldn’t need to do that would I if I had that extra closet and dresser space.

Maybe I need to go on a shopping spree! Then I’d really have to make more room, wouldn’t I……and maybe a new wardrobe isn’t a bad idea to get a start on my “new normal”……hmmm.

L.

A Better Day

I managed to recover quite well yesterday. What a difference one day can make….in either direction!! It doesn’t even really have to be a day….it can be hour to hour….up and down, up and down. Yesterday was mostly and “up” day.

D and I spent a good part of the day searching for options and deals for the hardwood for the stairs….we did stop for lunch, of course. There are quite a few choices, which is good. The finished brazilian cherry stair tread is going to be the most expensive way to go. Using oak or maple and then staining it as close as possible to the rest of the flooring would be cheaper and definitely a possibility. Buying the cherry flooring and making our own “premade” tread will be the cheapest way to go……D says this is a good idea and can be done! So at some point today I’ll get some prices for the finished cherry flooring and go from there.

Stair treads a NOT cheap to buy!

Stair treads a NOT cheap to buy!

Of course, yesterday (when I wasn’t golfing!) the weather was very nice. I spent the rest of the afternoon out on the deck reading.

Around 5:30 I was feeling a little hungry and thought a nice glass of wine would be in order. I poured the wine and went to grab a bag of microwave popcorn……then thought a little bit more about that decision…….considering I had just spent money shopping so I would start eating properly.

Within ½ an hour I had put together a pretty good dinner. It was easy and quick!

On the menu: ½ dozen (or so) scallops in lemon/garlic butter
Roasted red and yellow beets (balsamic and olive oil)
Mediterranean salad

Dinner for one!

Dinner for one!

Notice the unfinished plug….that is another project to finish!

I roasted enough beets for another salad (roasted beets and goat cheese) on Wed. I also made a batch of basmati rice, which once cooled I divided into single serving baggies and stuck them in the freezer. This works really good…maybe not for just warming back up plain, unless you are having it with a curry, but throwing it in a pan with a touch of olive oil or butter and adding other things to it, like mushrooms or onions or veggies, it’s great, quick and easy too. Yes, planning ahead is good!

Rice for one.

Rice for one.

Maybe I can get myself into a routine for dinners while I’m on holidays….and then stick to it once I’m back to work!

Today I think I’m up to the task of emptying some of Ken’s closet. I’m not planning on getting it all done….that is just still too overwhelming I think. I will fill the one suitcase that I’m taking to Value Village and that will be enough. He has a lot of shoes too….it would be a good time to send the sandals off….someone would get good use out of them now, during the summer, wouldn’t they. I hope whoever it is will appreciate the ones he bought a few years ago in Italy….they’re really nice….and we had so much fun that day buying them….our very minimal Italian and the shopkeepers, even less, minimal English….we ended up leaving that shop with a bottle of his homemade wine and the name of a place, with a hand drawn map, of where to buy the “best balsamico in all of Italia”!

We never did find the place but had an adventure looking for it. We did find a wine co-operative that day though……

Somewhere near Parma

Somewhere near Parma

Very good memories of that trip. Yes, very good memories…….

L.

Getting Through A Rough Day

Yesterday was much harder than I thought it was going to be……it WAS our 40th wedding Anniversary AND it was also the 3 month anniversary of the day I lost Ken.

Maybe I was just overthinking everything….a very jumbled day of thoughts and tears….they were constantly welling up and they did finally overflow last night for the first time in a long time.

It was a long day after a late night, the weather was crappy too, which certainly didn’t help.

Golfing was a lot of fun as usual, my foursome won the “Most Honest Team”….which means we were the lousiest players…lol. But we had a good time…we laughed (and cursed and swore…) a lot. We all got off some pretty good shots, just unfortunately not always on the same hole!! The rain, that threatened all morning, held off until the 18th hole….so all was good.

I came home and managed to get in a little nap before the kids arrived. They made a wonderful dinner…..steak, baked potatoes, salad, bread, corn on the cob….and brought me some very beautiful flowers. I did absolutely nothing except have a glass or two of wine and enjoy the grandkids.

Beautiful flowers from my wonderful kids

Beautiful flowers from my wonderful kids

I really tried to be happy, I really did…..why do dates, specific dates, trigger these thoughts? I felt fine, or as fine as I usually do, the day before….why should a specific day or date make any difference? I understand anniversaries., birthdays, Christmas etc…..and getting through them and all that, but you can think about THEM on ANY day, so just why should it be so much harder on those specific days??

I was thinking about our 25th anniversary the other day…..we spent it on Kauai. The tears definitely welled up, but I wasn’t a sobby sort of mess that day…so why yesterday?
That trip was great….we had a wonderful week, great weather, we laid by the pool, walked on the beaches, played in the waves, toured around, had a great dinner on the day of our anniversary at Dukes Canoe Club (I wonder if it’s still there….) Ken surprised me with a beautiful bracelet…….that came on top of the piece of cake I ordered for dessert!

Our 25th...such good days back then.

Our 25th…such good days back then.

Those surprises, or any others, won’t happen anymore….I know that and have already thought about it, a lot! So just why was it so much worse yesterday? Is this reality still setting in? I don’t know and I guess it doesn’t really matter…..this is all part of the grieving process, isn’t it…..it’s going to take a long time to get over it, if you really do ever get over it.

I think I’ve done pretty good really and I’m not sure why I feel that I need to analyze all these thoughts that go through my head…..it just doesn’t matter, does it! But yesterday, it was just impossible for me to CANCEL, let alone DELETE those thoughts (see Monkey Mind post here https://lindarblog.wordpress.com/2014/06/27/ ).

Thank goodness I got a very good nights sleep last night……7 hours! Maybe that’s all I needed. I woke up this morning feeling really good….I just don’t understand! I am more in control, or whatever it is, of my thoughts today, they aren’t the mumbled, jumbled mess that they were yesterday.

I’m going on a research mission with my brother-in-law…we are going in search of the hardwood for my stairs. Wish me luck!

L.