It really is! I mean that is obvious, of course. But it’s so hard to pin point exactly how I feel.
Yesterday afternoon my daughter and I went to a neat place…..it’s sort of an apartment/condo complex with a little village in the centre. Lots of great little shops, restaurants, cafes and a couple of speciality type food stores. Really nice place to spend a sunny afternoon.
I had two choices for dinner last night…..off for pizza with the neighbours or out to my SILs for a BBQ and the football game. I went to my SILs.
For many, many years, we’d usually have dinner Friday nights with Ken’s brother and his wife. Sometimes it was to a restaurant, other times it was order in stuff or one or the other of us would cook….usually something pretty simple and quick to prep for a Friday night. Appy night was always my fav…..just pick and pick all evening. We hadn’t been doing that as often since last fall because Ken just wasn’t feeling too good at lot of time and of course eating had become such a problem for him.
More often than not, if there was a football game or hockey game on, after dinner my SIL and I would head off to the mall for an hour or so.
That’s what we did last night. Had dinner and left the “boys” to watch the game….except of course there was only one boy last night, the girls went shopping. In a way, it wasn’t any different than how it used to be, except I came home by myself…..
I had an invitation for dinner tonight too. But I’m babysitting the grandbabies, so can’t make that. The friends, 2 couples, are going to a BBQ cook off thing this afternoon and then back to R & G’s for dinner. I got invited to dinner…..which is great. I just think that if Ken were here and back in the good old days, we too, would have gone to the cook off thing AND then for dinner later. It’s not that I couldn’t have gone anyway, but it’s like the “couple” things seem so much more noticeable to me now. These are great long time friends, so I know the couple thing isn’t even an issue, but that’s almost how I’m thinking these days. It is definitely not them, it’s ME.
I know I shouldn’t be thinking that way, but I am. I hesitate to have friends over for dinner…..I know I shouldn’t be doing that either. They would come I know, but would it be too awkward? I know all these people really well and have for years and years and I really know it wouldn’t be awkward, so I’m just not sure why I am thinking this way. Maybe this all just takes time to adjust too.
I don’t have a lot of single friends, nor do I necessarily only want to spend time with singles either…..but it’s just such a strange feeling. I want to spend time and socialize with everyone, just like I used too. It’s almost like not belonging……that 3rd or 5th person thing. I don’t know where I fit in anymore……I just can’t describe it.
I’m not sad or depressed about this, just confused! I guess time will help get this sorted out…..