Cleaning….finally!

I’m busy this morning…..cleaning!!

My new bed is being delivered between 10AM and 1PM…so must get everything cleaned up in bedroom.  All the clothes that I’ve accumulated on the dresser and doorknobs, the shoes in front of the closet instead of in it… AND vacuum!

The dust that accumulates behind a bed is pretty incredible.  This is honestly the first time in a month that I’ve had the energy to get the vacuum out…and actually use it!

I don’t know these delivery people at all but I would die of embarrassment if they came in and seen the mess.  Maybe I’ll be able to have company again once I’ve done this cleaning…..that would be nice.   I’ve been afraid to let people in just because I was afraid that they’d think I’d really gone over the edge.  I honestly have done pretty much nothing except load/unload the dishwasher and do laundry and that was only because I needed both, clean dishes and clothes!  Kind of a scary slump to get into.

Because we have a narrow staircase with a turn, they will have to bring the mattress up the back stairs and through the patio doors…through the dining room, living room and down the hallway, so essentially these guys will have to traipse all through my house to get the mattress and box spring to the bedroom.

This is certainly motivation to get some of this housework done!

It’s just after 8AM and I’ve already washed two duvets and have them hanging out in the sun, vacuumed the dining room and hallway….. and dusted all the bedroom furniture.

Maybe, just maybe, this will get me back into the groove of keeping my house clean, or at least tidy.  I really do hate mess but just haven’t cared that much, or truthfully, at all for the last little while.   That was a bit of a worry….I could understand me being like that for the first couple of weeks, but it’s been over a month.

So today I’m hoping, really hoping, that my mad cleaning woman mode will last for a few days so I can muck my way out of this mess and get back to an acceptable new normal(ish).  And then, of course, more important…..keep my house that way!!  Another challenge….

Wish me luck!

L.

 

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Getting Back into Work

I hope today is a better day!

This is the end of my second week back to work.  Did I go back too soon?

I don’t know if it’s just that there is so much to do or whether my head still isn’t in the right place.

I have “to do” lists there too.  Maybe, if I’m lucky I get one thing done, actually done, finished!   There is a lot to do……new system just went in, lots of bugs to be worked out but is it just  that?   My mind is so scattered, much like it was at home those first few weeks.

I start something, then am distracted by something else and then I have trouble getting back into whatever it was I was doing.  Or I get interrupted….a lot, which doesn’t help either.

Nothing takes 5 minutes, it’s all stuff that needs some thought, some concentration.  I like things done right but I find I’m just getting them done….however….as long as it’s done.   But then it ends up coming back, usually to bite you, later….I hate that!!

So is it just me…just not really ready yet?  I thought work would be good….and I think it is…..but maybe I rushed things along too fast.   I don’t know.

I’m sad too….my friend from work….I’ve worked with her for 30+ years, is retiring.  It’s her last day today and I’m going to miss her.   I’m also a little envious too.   I could retire if I wanted, but I’m just not sure I want to do that yet…..too soon to make a decision like that.   I have to try this out…..give it a chance.   Maybe once I get back into that work routine, things will sort themselves out. 

Maybe after I get my new bed I’ll sleep better…maybe that’s all I need.  More sleep!

The weather is supposed to be pretty nice too, so I know that helps me for sure.

We shall see!!

L.

Ashes to Diamonds!

Who knew this could be done??

I was thinking about where we would scatter the ashes.  So many places that are possibilities.   I’m not sure if it’s OK to scatter them in different places…..are you supposed to do it all at the same place and same time?

Ken loved Hawaii.   He had a favourite beach on Maui and that is where I would like some of him to go.   Not all, just some….is that OK?   I don’t know yet what to do with the rest.

I started looking into how to transport ashes from point A to point B and various rules and regulations about how and where they can be scattered. I came across this….

http://www.cremationsolutions.com/c4/Cremation-Diamonds-Made-From-Ashes-c39.html   What a unique idea!   I’m not a big diamond person but what a great way to remember someone forever.   A nice little pendant or a pair of diamond earrings would be a great thing to have.   Unfortunately, it costs a fortune to have even a small one made, so this won’t likely be happening.  To have a 1 carat diamond made you need only a few grams of the ashes but… a 1 carat diamond would cost $22,000!!   I’m supplying the raw materials here, how could that be?   I don’t need a 1 carat diamond, but even a small one is a little too expensive to me.   I really think they are taking advantage of people in my situation who are possibly thinking with their heart and not their head, which is too bad because the concept is really good!!   Oh well!

I will eventually have to take down the “shrine” on the coffee table and will be faced with the dilemma of where to keep the ashes until I figure out what I’m going to do with them, but for now he’ll just stay where he is.  But I can’t leave him there forever!

I see this shrine everyday…in the morning when I get up, when I get home from work, before I go to bed.  It makes me happy and sad at the same time.   The picture of Ken is great, the ash canister with the hat and sunglasses somehow makes that better too.   The flowers, except for the orchids, are all gone now. 

The first few weeks I felt compelled to look at all the pictures, to watch the video from the Celebration of Life over and over again, to look at my shrine, to look at, feel, touch and even smell his clothes….I don’t know why and would be curious to know if others do or have done the same thing.  I hope that’s not some weird thing.   I initially used his pillow too, but it’s too hard for my liking and I needed my sleep, so have gone back to my pillow.   I’m not sure what I accomplished by doing any of this….why did I feel the need to do it?   It didn’t make me feel good, it actually made me feel worse, sadder, caused more tears….so why would I have done it…..how odd is that?

I would have liked one of those diamonds and I was tempted, almost.  But sanity has prevailed yet again….I don’t need one of those to remember him.   I have jewelry that he bought for me and I love it.   It’s simple stuff because he knew I wasn’t into flashy, blingy stuff.   My favs are my bracelets from Hawaii that I wear all the time.   I love those bracelets…they were surprises and have always been special.   That’s all I need. 

So I’m sorry you Ashes to Diamonds people, but you won’t be getting my business, I’m afraid.  That’s too bad but for the price you want, considering I am supplying the raw material, it is just too over the top.   We never made rash decisions, we were very conservative and used common sense when making purchases for large amounts of money….and I know that this would have been one that we would have decided against.    So perhaps a locket or something to keep some ashes in will have to do.   Oh well!

L.

e-Friends

Ten or fifteen years ago if my kids had told me they had made “e-Friends” I would have warned them about talking to people, strangers,  on the internet that they don’t know and that there really can’t be such a thing as “e-Friends”.  I’d tell them to not make arrangements to meet these friends and don’t, whatever you do, give them any personal information!

So here I sit and type and think how lucky I am and have been to have found so many e-Friends!!

What would I have done without them?  They have been my lifeline for almost 4 years!

And yes I’ve told them lots about us and me.  I’m sure most of them know where I live….not my exact address or anything, but close enough.   And I have actually made arrangements to meet some of them that were close by.   And they are friends now and are great….I’m so glad we’ve met.

How things evolve, eh?

I have e-Friends through a couple of different websites and now, just recently a 3rd one.   That site is for rcc widows…..it’s a private one that you must get invited into and I’m glad I was.   It’s not a terribly busy site…..sometimes days go by without anyone posting.   That’s too bad, because it would be a really good place to connect…have serious discussions about our state of mind, feelings, emotions. 

It’s still just such a rollercoaster ride these days.  A different kind of rollercoaster but the same idea.   I thought, as a caregiver, I was on the biggest rollercoaster in the world.   But I think this one is even bigger!   We hoped not, but knew the caregiver rollercoaster ride would finish eventually, just like a real rollercoaster, but this new one is different…..at least for now….I don’t see any end or finish line for this one.

If you have e-Friends, never underestimate their value….is that the right “their”???  I just wish some of them were close enough that we could make arrangements to meet and have coffee or a glass of wine….compare notes.   These friends are special because they understand what I’ve gone through and some understand what I’m going through now, some both!   They know that one day you think you’ve got your act together and are moving on, then the next you are so down in the dumps it’s all you can do to get up out of bed, let alone dressed or do anything else.

It’s encouraging to read of some of them that are on the downward hills and going toward the finish line of this latest rollercoaster….for some them it’s been years. Perhaps there isn’t really a finish line to this rollercoaster, but at least they’re on the flats.   Some have started new lives with new partners, which I know happens and nobody expects us to not live life to the fullest, but the thought of a new partner doesn’t even seem remotely possible right now and I can’t imagine it ever happening.   But I’m sure they thought the same thing when their spouse passed away.

When Ken passed away, all my e-Friends rallied…..just like my live friends…..what is a good term to use for non e-Friends?  I don’t want to say real friends, because my e-Friends are real friends too!   It was and still is very comforting to know that they understood.  And now some of my e-Friends are even more important than ever because they have lost their spouses too…..only someone who has can really understand!

I have a friend that just lost her husband a couple of weeks ago….we’ve talked for hours on the phone.  He didn’t have kidney cancer, but that doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter how you lost your spouse, it’s all the same at then end of the day.   They just aren’t there anymore and it’s hard to believe…..hard to accept a change like this.   But there is no choice in this matter…..we have to deal with it one way or another.   It’s just good to be able to talk about it no matter how you’re dealing with it.   You either just listen to them let it all out or they listen to you……and yes, sometimes we even laugh at some of the stuff that we’ve done.   But you do what you’ve got to do to get through this.   So my friend, I’m sorry you’re in this mess too but thank you for being there to talk.

And a really big thank you to all my e-Friends for just being there….you are all special and I’m glad that we’ve “met”.    I hope that some day we can all meet face to face and enjoy that cup of coffee or glass of wine (…or two!)

L.

 

Christine Baranski Mourns

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christine_Baranski

How sad……I know how she feels right now, at least I think I do.

I have seen her in Cybill, Mamma Mia, SNL and a couple of other shows and thought she was a great actress, funny and someone that would be lots of fun to be around.  But I knew nothing about her, nor truthfully, really cared too much. 

Then I read that her husband has died this week.  How terrible for her.   I read about him, he was an actor too, but I can’t say I knew who he was…..I never watched soap operas and I don’t think I’ve seen any movies he was in.

They were married for 30 years!  I am always amazed when I read about actors marriages that have lasted that long…..so many don’t.    This tells me that they were truly in love…..they lasted through thick and thin.   Even though they may have had all the glamour that goes with being actors, they kept their feet firmly planted on the ground and knew what was important in their lives.

I’m sure her house is full of flowers, cards are probably arriving by the postal bag load.  I wonder if friends and family are bringing her food?

How difficult it will be to plan his Celebration of Life…..all the things he’d done in his life…..how can you put together a slide show that lasts only 9 minutes?  I’m sure lots of people will get up and speak….stories galore.   Does something like this turn into a “show” or is it a real Celebration of Life that those of us not in the spotlight experience. 

Will she mourn the same as the rest of us?  Does being famous change how you feel?   I would think not, but like Candy S, will she be able to experience her loss in private with their daughters or will she still have to be an “actress”.

 It didn’t say if he’d been sick for a long time or whether it was sudden.  Was she a caregiver….did she personally experience some of the things I did or those thoughts I had.

Christine, my deepest sympathies go out today to you and your daughters…..I know the emptiness that you are feeling right now.  I hope that you have true friends and family that can support and help you through this very tough time.   That is so important right now regardless of who you are or who he was.

L.

 

 

Sunday Moody Blues

Sunday was a really depressing day for me…..maybe not depression…that’s such a complex issue….I don’t think my issues are that complex…they’re pretty clear really. I guess it’s just the “blues”. I was little moody too….cranky and sad might describe it better.

The weather was crappy….rainy, cold and I was tired. Didn’t get the best nights sleep on my temporary blow up bed. I was cold and woke up quite a few times I think because of being cold…..so why I didn’t get another blanket the first time, I don’t know. It was like I was too cold to move…which doesn’t make sense but then sometimes these days, nothing really does.

I got up with the best intentions of accomplishing more around here but did nothing, absolutely nothing! I did update my blog but then sat and played solitare for a while, drank more coffee, scanned through a couple of websites for ideas for changing the tile and countertop in the bathroom…neither of which are on my “to do” project list!

Then I thought I would get all the papers hanging around sorted out….old lab reports, copies or records from the cancer agency, disability payment stuff….and file it in our accordion file that we kept all that in. But then I got thinking about Ken’s Dr. His name came up in a phone call earlier in the week, someone had mentioned what a great Dr he was and it just brought back all those thoughts about Ken’s treatment plans…..was it the best, was there more that could have been done….why did he leave him on a med for so long that was very likely causing the heart problems…..why didn’t the cardiologist (when he did finally get to see him) do more…..all those types of thoughts. I know Ken wasn’t his only patient of course, but I had wanted to feel that way, special, at our appointments…..I’m not sure that we ever did. Seems like other Drs go that extra mile…..I just don’t think ours did! Thoughts, that I know are useless and a waste of time now….. I just couldn’t shake those thoughts today though for some reason and, along with the crappy weather, I felt truly blue for the first time in weeks.

I couldn’t get motivated for anything. I never touched those papers……are they even worth keeping now…..should I just chuck them all? I did manage to shower and get dressed by noon, load the dishwasher and that was it. Sat down again at the computer and played solitare for another hour…..still thinking about what the Dr said, did or didn’t do. I was just so tired and cold! I had to go and put socks on!

Napping is not something I do very often during the day but yesterday seemed like a good day to have one. I hauled out the spare duvet and wrapped myself, including my head in it…..I slept for 3 hours….I needed that sleep.

Friends phoned to see if I wanted to go for dinner with them, nothing fancy, just Swiss Chalet. At first I thought no…..I didn’t want to fix my face, comb my hair, brush my teeth or do anything but…….I did say yes and I’m glad I did. It made me get up and do those things and to get out and talk and think about something else other than the Dr. It was fun, we had some good laughs about my pressure washing and BBQ buying experiences, the leaky waterbed, our grandkids and the neighbourhood raccoons fishing in their pond.

I felt much better when I got home….still not terribly motivated to do much of anything but I had at least put those thoughts out of my head. I hate those thoughts and I wish they would just go away……it had been quite a few days since I’d thought about them. So maybe this time it’ll be even more days before they pop up again or maybe I’m finally done with them now!! That would be good.

L.

Counting Sheep to Sleep

Yes, I did get a new bed! It was pretty easy and quick, once I had narrowed it down to a couple of mattresses.   The new one will be delivered and set up next Saturday.   It’s a combo of coils and foam, very comfy, I hope!

I used to love going to bed early with a good book.  I’d be asleep before I finished the page I was reading.   But ac I hated going to bed, dreaded it actually.   I’d fall asleep reading but the second I’d turn that light out and my head hit the pillow….wham!   That’s when, in the Caregiver days, all those thoughts about the right treatment, what to ask at the next appointment, the “what ifs” and “when” would become so vivid.  There was no way I was going to ever fall back to sleep.

Then after THAT day, I was so afraid to go to bed those first few nights….afraid of what I’d see when I closed my eyes….or start to think about.  I didn’t leave anything to chance and took gravol….I know that makes me fall asleep.   But I couldn’t take gravol forever so I got back into my game…..

Last year I told a friend about not sleeping very well and she encouraged me to try meditation.  Well, I’m just not really a meditation…or yoga…type person!   Then at work they started offering lunch time meditation sessions….. I thought I might as well go and check it out.…..certainly couldn’t hurt!    The first one was learning the basic principles of meditation….kind of like Meditation for Dummies….

Well, I didn’t go to one…..I ended up going to quite a few.  But because some of the real meditation stuff is just a little too “out there” for me I decided to research some other meditation type techniques for sleeplessness.   There just aren’t that many different ways to meditate.  Most apply the same principle of visualizing some nice babbling brook or beautiful sandy beach.   I just couldn’t do that and stay focused on whatever it was…..so I wasn’t too sure that I could succeed at meditation.

Meditation isn’t a bad thing of course, but I guess I’m just not deep enough or zen enough or spiritual or whatever, to do it right…..  One thing I did learn about in all my research was “counting sheep” apparently it isn’t an effective method of inducing sleep!   It is felt by most experts that counting is too stimulating and can cause the exact opposite effect that you want.

But that is what worked for me!  Instead of nice beautiful things, I could seem to manage focusing on numbers……maybe because of my line of work….don’t know!    You close your eyes and say 1 but before you say 2 you try and visualize a number 1 in your head, then once you do, you can move on to number 2 and so on.  Those thoughts would still creep back into my head, but I’d refocus on my numbers and I would fall asleep.

Each night I was a little better at my counting….it kind of became a game.   It was helping me sleep. 

One day, not long after this, the meditation guru at worked asked me how I was doing…..I was pretty sure I was a meditation failure so I was afraid to tell her about my “game”, but I did.   She thought it was a great exercise and that focusing on something, anything in fact, does clear your mind of everything else……I guess that made sense, sort of. 

She said it was good to start “simple”!!!  I didn’t ask her to clarify that statement so I’ll have to presume that it’s like being in meditation kindergarten and I will eventually be able to move up a grade or two and visualize those beautiful things instead of just numbers.

So maybe I do have a little bit of zen in me after all……and just maybe my counting game can help someone else!  I hope so, because sleep is good!

L.

The Case of the Wet Bed – Yet Another Challenge!

I woke up soaking wet this morning! I have been sleeping pretty good but for heavens sake I didn’t think THAT good!!    Is it possible that I could pee the bed and not know I’d done that…..well, I guess, at my age and after a couple of glasses of wine,  anything is possible isn’t it!

But no……that was not the case at all (thank goodness!!).

We I have a waterbed……not one of those low, woodframed ones, that proper sheets never fit on or that you crack your shins on, from the hippy days, but a really nice pillow top normal looking mattress/bed waterbed.   We bought it years and years ago (probably 15 or 20!!) and back then paid a lot of money for it.   Ken had always had back problems then and with regular mattresses he would wake up all twisted up and achy.   We had gone on holidays somewhere and the hotel  had these “waterbeds” which they touted as the best thing ever for a good nights sleep.

 We were sold on it after a couple of nights.  No more backaches in the morning.  It truly was the most comfortable bed we’d ever slept on.   Ken, the researcher, of course found a place fairly local (within a 100 mile radius) that sold these.   We were off and running!

The water part consists of 8 separate baffles.  The amount of water put into each baffle determines the softness or hardness of the bed.   Because there are 8 baffles, one side can be soft, the other hard, depending on the sleepers preference.   I loved this bed…..Ken liked the softer mattresses and for me the harder the better!   This was the perfect compromise…..and when one person got into bed there was no wiggling, jiggling of the other side….the separate baffles were like those newer regular mattresses that you can bounce a bowling ball on and not disturb the other sleeper.

Well, it appears that one of those baffles has finally sprung a leak!  I haven’t taken the bed apart yet but presume it must be a pretty good one considering the amount of wetness ….and I should probably get right on that before I have a flood.   The bed is pretty cool in that these baffles, all 8 of them, sit inside a heavy foam type frame.   The foam on the top is about 4 inches thick….so no heater thingie was needed.   All that foam is then surrounded by a heavy vinyl wrapper.   THEN….there is another layer of foam on top of that and THEN all of this fits inside of what looks like a regular old pillow top mattress but with a zipper around 3 sides that gives access to all the stuff inside.   We Ken used to have to top up the water supply in the baffles a little bit every couple of years or so.  It is was truly the most comfortable bed in the world!

So, once I have gone and assessed the damage, I will have to take the bloody thing all apart….each baffle weighs a ton…..I know because we had to take it all apart 4 years ago when we had new carpet put in the bedroom.  We were too lazy to drain all the baffles so thought we’d just carry them into the spare room until we put the bed back together after the carpet was put in the next day….this really meant Ken carrying his half of each baffle and me, kind of pushing my end along….I couldn’t even lift my half.   His brother came over the next day and helped him get them all back where they belonged.   Now I have to figure out how to get them out by myself……I think I should probably drain them but will have to figure out exactly how to do that so that it drains outside through the window as  opposed to all over the floor!   I bought a new hose from Costco a couple of weeks ago, so I can give that a try.

I did briefly think about putting a patch on the leaky baffle, but since it’s so old now the others are probably ready to spring leaks too and again because of all the water I’m thinking this is no small leak that would be patchable…….so I guess it’s now time to move on to a normal bed.

I really have two challenges!! Getting the stupid thing drained and all apart AND buying a new mattress……If Ken were here, he would already be on the computer researching mattresses…..I, on the other hand, will just go to the Sleep Country mattress place, test drive each and every one they have, drive the sales person(s) crazy for a couple of hours, ask if they deliver and assemble and hopefully if they have any luck at all today, I will actually buy a new mattress and box spring.  There are so many different kinds now, all telling us that they offer the best nights sleep…..there are regular spring type ones, special spring type ones, ones that have this type of coil or that type of coil, ones that you can bounce bowling balls on, ones that have memory foam, ones that only have memory foam on the top……on and on it goes. 

After buying the BBQ (a bit of a marathon but thankfully very nice patient Home Depot sales people…..) I know this won’t be an easy task….and I’m sure the HD people, if they knew, would be thanking their lucky stars that they don’t sell mattresses!

Well, what a lot of useless information all of the above was for everyone to read, unless of course you happen to have the same kind of bed that we I have had!

I’m up for this!  One more cup of coffee and I’m ready to tackle this new task/challenge…..one that I’m on my own to deal with…..but I can do it!! 

L.

The Personal Delivery

So….the boss’ personal delivery yesterday made me very sad…..depressed actually!

It wasn’t Ken’s stuff…..and now that I think of it, I seem to remember him going in and having lunch with the guys one day and bringing the desk/office stuff home then….but that was a couple of years ago now so who knows or remembers, really.

No, this delivery should have made me happy in some ways, I guess…but no, it did not!

Ken and I had planned very well for our retirement, which was really supposed to happen back in 2012.  But at that time, since he was collecting his Long Term Disability and the Canada Pension Disability benefits, why would he have retired, and got less and use up our “fund”, until he had to at age 65!  He was collecting about 75% of his regular income, only the CPP disability was taxable and that was offset at tax time by the Disability Tax Credit that he could claim.   We were able to continue to live pretty well as we always had.   We were never extravagant with our spending habits because retiring comfortably was important to us.   We were very lucky indeed!

I did think about retiring anyway back in 2012, but truthfully, I needed my work.  I enjoyed my work, at least most of the time, and it was a bit of an escape.   They were also really good with me taking time off when ever necessary for appointments or whatever….it all worked out very good for us.   If I had retired, I often think one of us would have been dead before now…..likely me!   I tend to be a bit of a control type person…….Ken was the calming factor in my life….I’d get excited (good or bad excited) and all he’d do was sort of wave his hand like…down girl, down….and that would get me settled down, sort of, most of the time.   He really didn’t like bad excitement….

 

Over the last few years I tended to get “excited” more often than ever…..sometimes not in good ways.  There were just some things I couldn’t control, no matter how hard I tried.   Especially when trying to get him to eat or drink or whatever…..I just couldn’t let it go if he said he wasn’t hungry….he had to eat, right?   I tried, with all my heart, not be “naggy” and I don’t think I was….at least not too much.   He really hated nagging, although he’d never really say anything…just the “down girl, down” hand thing.   Making not just one but sometimes two dinners in the evenings….French Toast was one of his favs and he usually had no problem eating that.   He’d give whatever else I’d made a try but sometimes he just couldn’t take it….no matter what it was.   Sometimes, something that he’d tolerated really well, and even enjoyed, the week before, he couldn’t handle the next.   I tried my best, I really did!   And eat, he was going to, if it meant making even more dinners on the same night.

Of course there were a lot of other things I couldn’t control in any way, shape or form, no matter how hard I tried.  I may have looked calm, cool and collected on the outside but I think I was really a little manic* on the inside.   Luckily Ken was as calm as he was because I think there could have been a slight chance that I would have drove him over the edge had I been at home all day….I can be like a dog with bone!   I think I could have made him manic* too!

So for both our sanities sake, I continued to work.

The personal delivery from his boss was the life insurance claim payment from his benefit plan.  How FINAL is that?   This depressed me so much…..this was money that he’d never get to spend…..money that I wouldn’t have gotten if he were still alive.   This really upset me!

I know I’m lucky in some ways, as many people don’t have the benefit of life insurance policies….. but I’d gladly give it back in a heartbeat if it could change everything!

What will I do with this money?  Maybe I’ll use it to make sure all those things on our bucket list get crossed off….he would have wanted that.

*manic definition: (adj) showing wild and apparently deranged excitement and energy.

*manic synonyms: mad, insane, deranged, demented, lunatic, wild, crazed, demonic, hysterical, raving, unhinged, unbalanced, frenzied, feverish, frenetic, hectic, intense.

The word manic sounds so much better than all those other words doesn’t it……especially deranged and demonic!

L.

 

Back To The Old Routine…Not Quite

Ken’s manager called me yesterday and told me that HR had given him something that he needed to deliver to me, personally.

I didn’t ask what it was.

Now I’m really wondering what it could be! I am thinking that it’s the stuff (more stuff!!) from his desk/office……what else could it be?  Pictures, coffee cups, stuff out of his drawers???  I would have been more than happy to just drop by the office and collect it from the receptionist!   But this will give me a chance to thank him and to ask him to thank the others from the office that came to Celebration of Life.   It was just so hard to talk to everyone.   I know there were a few that I recognized but probably others as well…..not everyone signed the guest book…I wish they had.

I’ll find out tonight at 5:30 when he comes by after work. Guesses anyone?   I know he contributed to the lottery fund….hmmmmm.

So yesterday was my second day back to work.  Still so much catching up to do and lots of things to clean up on my desk.

I made “to do” lists there too but didn’t get much more accomplished than I did on my “to do” lists at home!

Lots of people asking how I’m doing…..so sorry to hear etc.  All very nice.   And I appreciate them saying something.   It’s easy to talk about IT with some people and others not so much.   A simple “thank you” and just keep walking or just keep doing whatever I was doing works the best sometimes.

A couple people had no idea and assumed I’d been off on one of our nice vacations.  “I haven’t seen you for ages, what exotic place were you this time”……ah no, unfortunately not!   I didn’t quite know how to respond because of course, I know they didn’t mean anything by what they said and more often than not, that has been the case in past, we had been away to some great place.   I knew saying “No, my husband passed away” would make them feel really quite terrible.   So I just simply said, “No, not on vacation” and left it at that.   What should I have said?

I’m finding old emails about days off that I needed for appointments, emails to Drs offices re appointments or lab results and notes left hanging around my desk with questions to ask the Dr or appointment times etc.  Lots of little reminders everywhere.

I’m glad those from work that came to the Celebration of Life thought it was good…..

Other than a few awkward moments, it’s been pretty good.  I like that I’m occupied with other things.   But still having some issues getting and staying focused…..my head is still in a bit of a fog and my thoughts drift….eventually this will stop, I guess.   I let them know that I’d have to take next Thursday afternoon off for an appointment, only to come home yesterday and find the message reminding me that my appointment is today….this Thursday!!   So will get that sorted out later…..  I used to be pretty organized, now I’m not so sure.

Yesterday, in the mail, was some forms I had filled out to have one of Ken’s RRSPs transferred to me….and very nicely for me, they had highlight all the spots that I failed to complete properly!  So I will do that this morning and stick it all back in the mail……I’m usually pretty meticulous doing stuff like that, but oh well!

I also have to send thank you cards for all the lovely flowers and donations that were made on his behalf…..I should have done this last week!  It was like time just wasn’t moving fast enough for me and now all of a sudden, it’s like where has this last month gone?   What did I do?

L.