Yesterday was much harder than I thought it was going to be……it WAS our 40th wedding Anniversary AND it was also the 3 month anniversary of the day I lost Ken.
Maybe I was just overthinking everything….a very jumbled day of thoughts and tears….they were constantly welling up and they did finally overflow last night for the first time in a long time.
It was a long day after a late night, the weather was crappy too, which certainly didn’t help.
Golfing was a lot of fun as usual, my foursome won the “Most Honest Team”….which means we were the lousiest players…lol. But we had a good time…we laughed (and cursed and swore…) a lot. We all got off some pretty good shots, just unfortunately not always on the same hole!! The rain, that threatened all morning, held off until the 18th hole….so all was good.
I came home and managed to get in a little nap before the kids arrived. They made a wonderful dinner…..steak, baked potatoes, salad, bread, corn on the cob….and brought me some very beautiful flowers. I did absolutely nothing except have a glass or two of wine and enjoy the grandkids.
I really tried to be happy, I really did…..why do dates, specific dates, trigger these thoughts? I felt fine, or as fine as I usually do, the day before….why should a specific day or date make any difference? I understand anniversaries., birthdays, Christmas etc…..and getting through them and all that, but you can think about THEM on ANY day, so just why should it be so much harder on those specific days??
I was thinking about our 25th anniversary the other day…..we spent it on Kauai. The tears definitely welled up, but I wasn’t a sobby sort of mess that day…so why yesterday?
That trip was great….we had a wonderful week, great weather, we laid by the pool, walked on the beaches, played in the waves, toured around, had a great dinner on the day of our anniversary at Dukes Canoe Club (I wonder if it’s still there….) Ken surprised me with a beautiful bracelet…….that came on top of the piece of cake I ordered for dessert!
Those surprises, or any others, won’t happen anymore….I know that and have already thought about it, a lot! So just why was it so much worse yesterday? Is this reality still setting in? I don’t know and I guess it doesn’t really matter…..this is all part of the grieving process, isn’t it…..it’s going to take a long time to get over it, if you really do ever get over it.
I think I’ve done pretty good really and I’m not sure why I feel that I need to analyze all these thoughts that go through my head…..it just doesn’t matter, does it! But yesterday, it was just impossible for me to CANCEL, let alone DELETE those thoughts (see Monkey Mind post here https://lindarblog.wordpress.com/2014/06/27/ ).
Thank goodness I got a very good nights sleep last night……7 hours! Maybe that’s all I needed. I woke up this morning feeling really good….I just don’t understand! I am more in control, or whatever it is, of my thoughts today, they aren’t the mumbled, jumbled mess that they were yesterday.
I’m going on a research mission with my brother-in-law…we are going in search of the hardwood for my stairs. Wish me luck!