Ah sigh…..just so not good for ones state of mind!
A rain warning has been issued for today until tomorrow afternoon…..how much more can it possibly rain? It was nice…or turned out nice last Thursday afternoon and Saturday too was OK until it started raining again in the evening.
Brenda and I had a bit of chat last week about that stage of grief where you kind of hit a brick wall. You think you’ve managed just fine for months…..all that busy stuff that you need to do those first few weeks. Then you kind of get that burst of energy to get everything and anything done in your life, around your house etc. You go and go like crazy then one morning you wake up and think “I just can’t do this!”
And you know what…..you don’t have to do it! Have a day or two of your own pity parties…..go back to bed and pull the covers over your head….sleep is good. The big challenge is when you wake up! Hopefully that weeping, that sleep, that rest has managed to push your reset button. For me it usually did. You have those little self chats about what you can and cannot change or do…..it’s easy if you’re being positive, when there is no one to tell you otherwise, to get up and start over again. You tell yourself that there is no going back…..it is what it is….you can’t change a damn thing no matter how much you dwell on it…..move on!! Acceptance is key……that was one of the hardest things those first couple of months…..like it was all a bad dream. Once I accepted that fact that this was my new life…another stage of the new normal….there is no other direction to go but forward and how you do that is all in your own hands.
I’m past that stage now…..more or less anyway. I still have those days, not as many of course, but I do still feel sorry for myself every now and again but I’ve learned from experience that doing that is really of no value.
It’s been 5 months for Brenda. She has been incredible at managing everything…..very level headed and realistic. She’s also started yoga and meditating, which is great. That doesn’t necessarily make it any easier but it keeps you from setting the bar too high like you do those first few months. I don’t know why we do that….is it that we try to cover up our grief like….out of sight out of mind? Are we trying to prove something to everyone or ourselves….we can do whatever because we don’t want to rely of others.
That first year is really tricky emotionally…..which is why it makes sense not to try to make any major life changing decisions. You’re just all over the place….one day you’re sure you’ll do this…..the next day it’s no way, what was I thinking.
This trip will be good for Brenda…..she thinks so too. Getting away from it all but being the first one without her husband it’s not easy but it sort of breaks the ice for moving forward. There are going to be the 4 of us…all good friends….so some comfort in that for her. I found the hardest thing on my first trip being a tour is that you are not with a bunch of people you know….it’s those first few days where everyone is getting to know each other……lots of questions ie. “does your husband not travel?” That first time you tell some stranger that you husband passed away 6 months ago is really hard…..you’re saying those words but……they will say “oh, I’m so sorry”, other will ask what happened etc. It was good to answer those questions though…..not too many of course and ones that were within reason…..because you will get asked them again and again over time so better to get used to being asked than just ignoring it.
Our trip is just 2 months away……one hotel left to book and our trains, which we can finally start to book now (less than 90 days out from our train travel dates).
Tomorrow we’re going to a play in the afternoon and will stop at MEC https://www.mec.ca/en/stores/vancouver to look for stuff for our holiday…..I need a light jacket and we’re both going to have a look at pants for the biking part of our trip…..maybe the ones with the cushioned bums!! Shoes are another thing that I wouldn’t mind getting….but we’ll see. They have great practical stuff (not cheap though….) in that store and it’s easy to get carried away.
Today, rain or rain or more rain……I am cleaning my deck off. I want to get the new stuff up there to make sure it’s all going to fit the way I’ve envisioned it. It’s not going to stop the rain but just putting some effort into getting ready for spring/summer will help.