Kitty Litter, Wine and Whine…..

I left work early yesterday to pick up a few things……heavy things!

Living alone means that I do everything now…..no, that’s not quite right….I’ve been doing everything for a while, even before I was alone. Somehow it didn’t bother me then….I just didn’t think too hard about it because it all just had to be done.

Now though, I swear those boxes of kitty litter weigh even more than they did before! And they’re not the easiest thing to carry either. Eight bottles of wine also weigh a lot! And then all the other stuff I picked up on the way home too. Three trips back to the car to get it all in….then, except for the kitty litter, I have to get it all up the stairs too.

For the last 6 months I’ve just carried on hauling the kitty litter, bags of cat food, bags of wine and groceries as usual. But yesterday, maybe because I’m not feeling the greatest, I really felt sorry for myself having to do this. It’s not just this stuff of course, it’s kind of like everything that needs doing is up to me. I have to come up with a better plan and get more organized.

I don’t think I’d ever bought a box of kitty litter until a few years ago…..that was Ken’s job, along with buying lottery tickets. He was a pretty strong guy, so it was no problem for him. He could lift and carry just about anything, including couches and recliners! I’m going to have to work on getting stronger!

It’s funny that it’s taken this long for me to whine about having to carry the heavy stuff. Maybe it’s all part of the grieving process, maybe it’s the time of the year (winter!) I’m not sure. Last night though I wanted to kick that kitty litter box, but then I’d probably have a sore foot today too.

Once I had finally got everything put away and poured myself a glass of wine, I did feel a little better about the whole thing and wondered why I was so miserable today as opposed to any other day I’d done this……no one to help AND no one to whine about it too either!

Tomorrow my daughter and I go the grief counsellor. I’m a little worried! It is her Dr that set up the appointment and they’ve suggested that my going with her would be a good idea. I hope so! I know she’s struggled, even more so the last couple of months. We’ve talked and talked but even though I think things are OK after, and that she’s coping OK, this obviously hasn’t been the case. I think I’ve been dealing with my grief OK….I have to live and move on….which for me seems to be the right thing to do. I’m worried that this counsellor is going to open some of the wounds that seem to be healing over…..I hope not!

Today is our Christmas lunch at work. Looking forward to that! It’s at a hotel/casino just down the street. They have a super buffet, so of course I’ll eat way too much but since it’s later in the afternoon, that can be my dinner too! AND….getting into my car last night at Safeway, there sitting on the ground was a nice, new, crisp $20 bill! I think I’ll throw that in a slot machine after lunch. Wish me luck!

L.

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2 thoughts on “Kitty Litter, Wine and Whine…..

  1. Good luck with that $20, Linda.

    And good luck with the counsellor. I am hoping that she/he just affirms what you have said all along – grief is an individual process. I sure wish we could move through it more quickly and just get over this burden of grief. Is there a way to hasten this along? Christmas is proving to be the most difficult milestone yet (for me). Is your daughter finding this to be the case too? More than any other time, there seem to be expectations that are impossibly hard to meet, at the best of times. And this year – well – Ho Ho NOT!

    I look forward to hearing about how today goes. I want to hear that you converted that $20 into another warm holiday!

    • That $20 is gone….gone very quickly and not even a measly “cherries” payout in the process! I think Christmas is part of the problem….or at least one more problem for her. I feel so bad about all this and I just don’t know what I can do to make it better. For myself, I just don’t know what to expect. I know it’s not going to be the same…..but just how different will it be? I’m trying not to cross those bridges until they come up. I do have some Christmas functions to go to and am trying to not think about what it will be like arriving on my own…..maybe you just take your coat off, grab a glass of wine and join a conversation….just like any other occasion now. Christmas Eve and morning will be the real challenge.

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