Thinking Too Much

I think I think too much!

I really need to keep myself busy so I don’t think about everything over and over again.   I guess keeping busy is an escape of some sort…..is that a good thing or a bad thing?   It doesn’t matter because this is MY way of grieving

Reality has set in, so it’s not that I don’t, or can’t accept what’s happened.   I miss him terribly every day, and so I should.   How could I not??

I have nothing more to talk about, about IT, but still lots to think about IT.   I tell myself over and over, it’s done, over and nothing can change it. 

So……

I still think about it!   And will for a long time I’m sure.    But luckily I can change subjects quickly, unless I feel that I need to be in that space for a while…..the tears that happen are a good thing….I think

This morning is just beautiful, and I’m off today, so enjoying my coffee on the deck….Ken loved sitting out there and it’s still so strange sometimes that that isn’t going to happen anymore, but I get that!   So why do I sit out there and think about it?    That is the big question.  It’s almost like I want too, or at least part of my brain wants too, another part is telling me to think about something else…..it’s not even really a toss up as to which one ends up winning because I can control that, at least I think I can! 

Last night I called K, the girl from work, that lost her husband last week.   She’s in a bit of mess right now, which I do understand completely.    We talked, or she did most of the talking, which is a good thing, for over and hour.    She rehashed it all, what happened that night, decisions she made, what the Drs told her, everything.   Because he had a lot of medical issues, her caregiving was way more involved than mine was…..almost 24/7 for her.   She just lost right now…..and living in that fog.   What should she do now?    She keeps thinking she needs to do something….it’s hard to change what you’ve been programmed to do for so long. 

K is also trying to put together the Celebration of Life for him and is a bit obsessed with making sure it’s right, I understand that too.   She’s so muddled right now that she’s worried she can’t get it all done….she’ll have some help though, which is good.   She was actually thinking of coming back to work on Wednesday!!    But worried that if she did it would be too hard to concentrate because of everything else she has to do…..I definitely agreed with her.    She should do what she feels she needs to do, even if that is sitting around in her pajamas all day, which she’s been doing.   Everyone grieves so differently……YOU do what works for YOU….nobody can tell you how to deal with this.   Only YOU can sort that out.

I told her I’d get in touch with HR at work and get the Short Term Disability forms sent out to her if she does decide to take the extra time….at least one less thing she needs to worry about right now.

I hope she does take the time, at least until after the C of L.   Even another week or so after that….when all the “busy” stuff is over.   You need that time to adjust to the “new normal”.

I’m off to lunch with a girlfriend today, which will be nice.   Then I’ll come home and tackle something else on my list……or maybe I’ll go shopping!  That would even be better 🙂

L.

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