The worst day of my life happened! Is there anything that could possibly be worse? Losing a child would be horrid of course, and I don’t even want to begin to imagine the grief that goes with that….
It’s still like a dream really…..slowly day by day as some things come up or happen it’s becoming more and more real…..he’s really gone!
Life has slowed down a lot from that frenetic first month. You just run on adrenaline I think for that first little while….do this, do that, go here, go there, sign this….that’s all done now.
As much as I try, I can’t get certain things out of my head….maybe some of it never goes away! That phone call……my heart just stopped that morning when I seen the number. I knew….who else calls at 5:30AM….I remember not being able to breathe and not being able to say anything other than…”yes, we’ll come up to the hospital”…..”OK, thank you”….what in the hell was I thanking her for??? I’m not even sure if I cried at first… Those first few minutes when your head spins……what do you do first? Call everyone, get dressed, rush to the hospital…..I felt like I had to hurry….I definitely wanted to get there before everyone else for that “alone time”, but really I didn’t have to race around like crazy but then you really can’t think properly, can you.
I still rehash over and over again what the Dr didn’t do and why didn’t he?? I can really get myself all worked up over that…..I do hope that stops soon.
What else should I have done? I have somehow got my head around that one…..I really do think I did everything that I could have possibly done….I just didn’t have any control over this mess….I did what I could. I sometimes think I could have been a little more caring and considerate….I did let somethings go…I still pushed and encouraged but not as much those last few weeks. To not have done some though to me would have seemed like giving in…..I just couldn’t do that and I certainly didn’t want Ken to either and he said he didn’t but maybe he was just saying that for me!! So maybe, just maybe a little bit, I regret not being more understanding of how he was feeling….a little more compassionate. He knew whatever I did or said was for him and I know he appreciated it….he told me he didn’t know what he would do without me. I felt good about that.
I can’t say that life is that much easier yet…..tears well up all the time, but that’s OK. I still think about things we didn’t do and now…can’t do. That is the hardest part I think….still so much of our lives were left to live…..the best part really….but dwelling on that isn’t going to change anything….I have to keep telling myself that. The Grandkids that never knew the real, not sick Grandpa. Funks are allowed though…..but only for a little while….luckily I seem to be able to get myself moving and out of those when they happen.
Everything is done now…..well, just about….there are still all those clothes to deal with. But all the main stuff is done….all the important stuff.
Nothing left to do really…..so MY life is on it’s way to a new normal, whatever that might be. I guess I’ll find out as time goes by……..