So….the boss’ personal delivery yesterday made me very sad…..depressed actually!
It wasn’t Ken’s stuff…..and now that I think of it, I seem to remember him going in and having lunch with the guys one day and bringing the desk/office stuff home then….but that was a couple of years ago now so who knows or remembers, really.
No, this delivery should have made me happy in some ways, I guess…but no, it did not!
Ken and I had planned very well for our retirement, which was really supposed to happen back in 2012. But at that time, since he was collecting his Long Term Disability and the Canada Pension Disability benefits, why would he have retired, and got less and use up our “fund”, until he had to at age 65! He was collecting about 75% of his regular income, only the CPP disability was taxable and that was offset at tax time by the Disability Tax Credit that he could claim. We were able to continue to live pretty well as we always had. We were never extravagant with our spending habits because retiring comfortably was important to us. We were very lucky indeed!
I did think about retiring anyway back in 2012, but truthfully, I needed my work. I enjoyed my work, at least most of the time, and it was a bit of an escape. They were also really good with me taking time off when ever necessary for appointments or whatever….it all worked out very good for us. If I had retired, I often think one of us would have been dead before now…..likely me! I tend to be a bit of a control type person…….Ken was the calming factor in my life….I’d get excited (good or bad excited) and all he’d do was sort of wave his hand like…down girl, down….and that would get me settled down, sort of, most of the time. He really didn’t like bad excitement….
Over the last few years I tended to get “excited” more often than ever…..sometimes not in good ways. There were just some things I couldn’t control, no matter how hard I tried. Especially when trying to get him to eat or drink or whatever…..I just couldn’t let it go if he said he wasn’t hungry….he had to eat, right? I tried, with all my heart, not be “naggy” and I don’t think I was….at least not too much. He really hated nagging, although he’d never really say anything…just the “down girl, down” hand thing. Making not just one but sometimes two dinners in the evenings….French Toast was one of his favs and he usually had no problem eating that. He’d give whatever else I’d made a try but sometimes he just couldn’t take it….no matter what it was. Sometimes, something that he’d tolerated really well, and even enjoyed, the week before, he couldn’t handle the next. I tried my best, I really did! And eat, he was going to, if it meant making even more dinners on the same night.
Of course there were a lot of other things I couldn’t control in any way, shape or form, no matter how hard I tried. I may have looked calm, cool and collected on the outside but I think I was really a little manic* on the inside. Luckily Ken was as calm as he was because I think there could have been a slight chance that I would have drove him over the edge had I been at home all day….I can be like a dog with bone! I think I could have made him manic* too!
So for both our sanities sake, I continued to work.
The personal delivery from his boss was the life insurance claim payment from his benefit plan. How FINAL is that? This depressed me so much…..this was money that he’d never get to spend…..money that I wouldn’t have gotten if he were still alive. This really upset me!
I know I’m lucky in some ways, as many people don’t have the benefit of life insurance policies….. but I’d gladly give it back in a heartbeat if it could change everything!
What will I do with this money? Maybe I’ll use it to make sure all those things on our bucket list get crossed off….he would have wanted that.
*manic definition: (adj) showing wild and apparently deranged excitement and energy.
*manic synonyms: mad, insane, deranged, demented, lunatic, wild, crazed, demonic, hysterical, raving, unhinged, unbalanced, frenzied, feverish, frenetic, hectic, intense.
The word manic sounds so much better than all those other words doesn’t it……especially deranged and demonic!