Am I Angry Today?

Definition of Anger = (n) feeling of great annoyance, displeasure or antagonism and belligerence as the result of some real or supposed wrong; grievance; rage; wrath; ire (vb) to make angry; enrage

I think I am! I don’t know why…..perhaps lack of sleep. Five or six hours sleep probably isn’t enough. I really don’t get angry too often…..maybe I should! Maybe it’s not really anger….. anger is such a strange emotion. It doesn’t really make sense when you think about it. It doesn’t change anything, it causes stress, it causes you to do and say things you normally wouldn’t.

Is my anger the noun or am I making it the verb?

Just who am I angry with? Well…..just about everyone and everything.

I start thinking back to various appointments and things that we were told, or not told.

Why didn’t the Dr suggest this or that? Why did we hear “it’s the cancer” so many times.

Why did he let him stay on the sutent and axitinib for as long as he did, it clearly wasn’t really working and it was making Ken feel really crappy……it was taking a toll on his body and not being very effective anyway.

Why didn’t the cardio do more about Ken being “tachy”…..no chest pains or shortness of breath so being tachy was OK?? Why didn’t he send him for more tests back in October? Was it because “it’s the cancer”??

I’m angry that we had so many different “hospitalists” while he was in hospital. Each one with a different “plan”……which one was the one that failed him? I’m angry that his nurse the night he died was one I didn’t really care for very much….she just seemed a bit lazy and slow to me….maybe she hadn’t checked on him when she should have!

I am angry with all those people, Drs, nurses, careworkers etc., that said “it’s the cancer”. Those 3 words should be banned from everyone’s vocabulary. Yes, well everything those days was probably a result, direct or indirect, of the cancer, but if it’s fixable, lets get it fixed, right! If you have an ingrown toenail that hurts….so what if you’ve got cancer…it can be treated, so treat it! I know that’s a ridiculous comparison but it’s the point I’m trying to make. So much, in retrospect, just seemed to be brushed off because “it’s the cancer”. Was it really though…or am I just imagining that?

That Dr that originally prescribed dexamethasone for his nausea back in December 2010. That dexa was the start of the end of his life. It caused more problems than it helped. I hate that stuff! That Dr too told us, not on just one occasion but at least two, that Ken “was a dying man”. That was two or three years ago and he was still alive just a couple weeks ago, wasn’t he. Why would someone say something like that to a patient who’s already depressed…..

I’m angry with the lady at the insurance place….why was she such a cow? What do I know about car insurance….I had everything she needed. What exactly was her problem….whatever it was, she made it mine too and that made me even more angry. I wasn’t very civil to her by the end of conversation but so what……

The cashier at Safeway…..

The cashier at the Wine store…..

The stupid computer internet connection…..what the hell is going on with that.

I’m angry with the cat…..why did he puke on the carpet and not the hardwood, doesn’t he know I don’t need this today….stupid thing. I love my cats….Ken loved the cats! They loved Ken…always one curled up on or beside him in the recliner. Oh but…..maybe they miss him too….poor cats.

I have no patience today for anything……

I’m angry at myself for not doing more….there had to be something else I could have done….there just had to be. What did I miss? Should I have been more aggressive with the Drs…..I should have stayed at the hospital THAT night instead of going to my friends for dinner….no, no…that would be guilt, not anger. Maybe I’m feeling guilty about everything and the anger directed at everyone else is my way of making it not my problem! The verb!

How many days has it been at this point….two and half weeks I think. I think anger is normal but I don’t know do I….I have never had to deal with this before! Why now…..I wasn’t angry yesterday……was I? Has it really been all building up in the back of my mind and today was just a good day? Yes, certainly I’ve thought all of the above before over the last couple of weeks (or probably months really) but I could dismiss it those times….maybe I shouldn’t have!

I’m angry that life handed Ken this, I’m angry that life handed ME this…….but I am NEVER angry with Ken! None of this was his fault, absolutely nothing he could have done. Was it someone elses fault….it had to be. Do I need to blame someone for all this…..but who? There are no answers to these questions…is that why I’m angry…I will never know!

Why am I wasting brain cells on what was…..I need those brain cells to deal with what will be. At the end of the day, today is today and nothing, absolutely nothing, will change that……will it!
Tomorrow will be better……..

L.

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One thought on “Am I Angry Today?

  1. Anger is part of the emotional logic of loss, I think. I also think anger hurts the worst of all, but maybe that’s exactly backwards.. When I get unhinged it’s usually _because_ I’m feeling hurt or betrayed in some way. My mom used to say “there goes Marjorie, shaking her fist at the universe.”

    Hugs, Linda. You never once let the universe stop you and Ken from living every last minute of life.

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